Stepping in

There are always going to be times when life throws something different at you. Something different happened to me a few days ago. It was around 5 pm, and it was time to go home. As on any other day, I decided to pack up, and called Dr. Urvashi from my phone. We were carpool mates (so was Dr. Advaita) and this was just business as usual. What was unusual was that she did not answer the phone. I decided to go to her room upstairs and check up on her. Five minutes later, I found her room locked. So was Dr. Advaita’s. This was generally never the case. Confused, and a little concerned, I started walking away from the room and pulled out my phone to text both of them. Just as I was doing that, I heard another voice (which I could make out was Dr. Alka’s) on a loudspeaker. I wanted to find out what happened and walked towards the sound that was clearly emanating from the large auditorium that was just a few yards away. I walked in, and I was in for a surprise. It looked like ‘Life’ was just about to happen to me.

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans". - John Lennon

The auditorium was filled with mostly female students with most of them dressed up in very traditional attire. On the stage was Dr. Alka, Dr. Urvashi, Dr. Advaita and a couple of PhD students. They seemed to be discussing something about feminist literature and women in politics. It was only after I sat down that I realized that it was international women’s week and this was a panel discussion that was organized for spreading awareness.

A much needed dialogue

A few minutes after I had settled down and begun to make sense of what was going on, there seemed to be a change in the event. Divya Soni, a PhD student who was hosting the event announced on the mic that the next round was going to be a special round. As someone who loved surprises, I moved to the edge of my seat, filled with anticipation and curiosity. The rules of the round were simple. Each of the panelists would be asked one question, and they had to honestly answer it. It appeared that the organizers had done some homework and had something specific in mind. Dr. Urvashi was asked about the role of technology and how it helped liberate/constrict the role of women. Dr. Alka on the other hand was asked about the role of education in female labor force participation. Both of them provided excellent answers that are along the lines I expected of them (considering I have known them for years and have had plenty of conversations with them about similar topics). After a few rounds of discussions, it was the turn of Dr. Advaita. The comperer asked her a very simple question that was in fact very deep in my opinion. I was not sure if they thought it through at the time. The question was, “What would you do if you were a man for one day”. I really wanted to know her answer. I was wondering what the other women in my life would respond to the very same question. I expected Dr. Advaita to take a few moments to organize her thoughts and then offer a reply, but that was clearly not going to happen. She was quick like a panther and her voice filled the room in just a second, “I would walk on the streets at midnight”.

Those words had the most silencing effect on me in a long time. I did not know what to say, or think. Walking on the road at midnight was one of my favorite pastimes. I’ve been doing it since six. I could not imagine that someone who I considered a friend felt that way about the rest of the world. It was truly a revelation. I wanted this feeling to be something isolated to her. I wished that was the case. I quickly pulled out my phone and texted my wife and later on asked half a dozen other close ones, and all of them seemed to say something that reflected a feeling of not being safe. This was a revelation to me, a person who constantly engages in activism and advocates for equality.

Things seemed to move too fast and the event seemed to draw to a close. For some reason, the mic seemed to rush into Dr. Alka’s hands who by this time had noticed my presence among the audience. Little did I realize that something was headed my way. In a moment, Dr. Alka announced, “now that we’ve heard the views of the female faculty, I feel it’s only fair that we have a male faculty’s views on the subject”. I turned around and quickly realized that what she just pronounced was an invitation for me to join them on the stage. Truth be told, I was still coming to terms with the revelation that was made just a few moments ago, and nothing prepared me for this. However, I did not want to shy away from this and literally jumped on to the stage. I have no idea what gave me the courage to go up there, but I felt that the cause was noble and I should do everything within my power to spread the message.

Once on the stage, the mic was handed over to me, and the PhD student quickly got on with business. She welcomed me officially, and then went on to read her question. She wanted to know my views on the declining gender gap (from 9% in 2021 to under 6% in 2022) in the number of new accounts opened across the globe. Particularly, she wanted me to clarify if this was ‘control by proxy’ (by men) or in reality women getting more financial freedom. I asked a few questions to understand the numbers better, and then began articulating my answer in my mind. To be honest, my answer and the feelings that led to them are precisely why I decided to write this story down. I did not think I did justice to my answer on stage and I felt it was only right that I provided some more clarity. So, here I go.

For a very long time the world has been characterized by patriarchy. Women have been treated like property. They have been ‘held’, used, and abused. The practice of patriarchy has clearly had a significant impact on everyone. And the most important impact I think is the mindset shift that has occurred over the centuries.  

"Patriarchy is like the elephant in the room that we don't talk about, but how could it not affect the planet radically when it's the superstructure of human society."-Eve Ensler

The current ‘patriarchal’ mindset that we have has normalized the hurt, shame and other forms of harm that is meted out against women.

Let me explain with an anecdote, but with an example. Just last week, on Saturday, when my cook came home at around 10 am. Her daughter who usually accompanies her on weekends was also there. However, both of them appeared shaken up. My maid had some blood near where she applied sindoor on her forehead and the little girl had a piece of cotton applied just above her eye. Upon enquiry, I found out that there had been a skirmish at home and the husband, under the influence of alcohol, had hurled his phone and some other items at her. I don’t believe this story entirely considering she later told the doctor at Civil hospital that both her daughter and she tripped and fell. I got them first aid and took them to the doctor in a few minutes, but then, there are two key points to note here.

First, the doctor was also a lady and probably knew what went on. She probably sees such cases of violence on a regular basis and has by now figured out an underlying pattern. I’m very sure that if injury was more severe, she could take a positive step towards arresting the root cause. The one thing that i have observed personally is that the doctors in government hospitals really care for the patients and want to address the root cause of the problem and not just the symptom (remember the anecdote where a doctor gives food tokens to patients who were malnourished because good food is the medicine they needed).

Second, my cook could, at least in theory, pay for all the services she used because she had her own bank account on which we were depositing her salary every month. She once told Sangha Mithra (my wife) that she was saving this money for the education of her children (she had two. The girl who was injured and an older boy). This clearly goes on to show that her inclusion into the financial system has enabled her to take more meaningful decisions to improve the long term wellbeing of her family. Was this the case in the past? I am told that women who once saved in rice and atta boxes (a common occurrence in India households) lost quite a bit of money due to demonitisation. This goes on to show that some women try to maintain a parallel system of savings, something which they can use during times of their choosing.

One thing is clear, Women are increasingly taking center stage in the larger economic equation and that’s a good thing. In Tamil Nadu where I come from the Dravidian movement has made it possible for us to have all women police stations set up thanks to a lady becoming chief minister for multiple terms. Although these examples are not completely generalizable, they do offer some anecdotal evidence to suggest that the access to financial independence does translate to other forms of independence (you’d be surprised to learn that there are many girls from batch in college who have divorced their husbands, just a few months/years after their marriage).  I feel that the increasing gender gap in account ownership is a good thing. But let me bring back the attention to the topic of shame and harm being meted out to women.

Shame is something that women have been willing to receive. It is not something that can be bestowed upon anyone and everyone. It has to be accepted by someone for it to begin making sense. For instance, the LGPTQ community was ridiculed and shamed for ages. When they decided to ‘come out’ and expose the objects and ideas that were used to inflict shame to the general public, the ability to shame evaporates. Imagine the usage of terms here. ‘Pride March’, ‘Pride Month’, and ‘Rainbow pride Flag’. Why do you think this is the case? Because that idea of being a non heterosexual person being an object of ridicule gets exposed. And in that exposition, it loses the ability to be used to cause shame. Now let’s come back to the topic of my maid. For how long do you think she will accept shame and hurt from her husband today? Will not her financial independence help her make decisions? I think they will.

The last act

Immediately after this discussion, the PhD Students also had a ‘special’ question for me. This time, they wanted to know what I would do if I were a woman for one day. Let me be honest and crisp here. In all my 31 years of existence, I have never once felt that I could not do something that I set my mind to. It pains me to learn that this  raw confidence I carry is possible thanks in large part to the privilege of being male. I never thought that so many of my female friends and my best friend Sangha all felt the exact same thing - a sense of feeling unsafe.

I am thankful to the organizers of the event for asking Dr. Advaita that question. I feel that it has made me question many things that I have always taken for granted. Hopefully, that will help me move from being part of the problem to part of the solution.